For every communication and for every behavior there is an emotional consequence within ourself and in the person we direct your communication and behavior towards. Understanding and being aware of that consequence in a fine way is emotional intelligence. Adjusting our behavior to influence a certain emotional consequence within ourself and in the person/people towards whom our behavior and communication is directed towards, is called emotional intelligence. Remembering that ‘if we keep doing what we do, we keep getting what we are getting’ even in the emotional realm is intelligent.
Evoking empowering emotions and states of mind, within oneself and behaving/communicating in such a way that it evokes empowering emotions in others is what is important…more important than jumping to correct others or expecting others to be in a certain way that is convenient or seems right to you. Maintain boundaries that ensures emotional health in oneself and others.
The worst mistake that people do is to say that people SHOULD be this way or that, not realising that other’s behavior and response is directly influenced by the way we behave towards them. Understanding how emotions, values and motivations arise, the complexity with which it exists in each one of them, makes us to humble our expectations from others in terms of justice, fairness,love etc. And that humongous complexity of conditions that influence people’s values, ethics and the behavior and habits that emanate due to them, really means that the only thing that is surely under one’s own control is simply oneself and NOT others, NOT the way others SHOULD behave. The better you understand the complexity of your own conditions within you, the better you understand others and the better you understand how effectively to influence other’s behavior and the better you understand what to expect and what not to expect from others.
Any relationship gets spoilt due to imposed expectations and unintelligent self-righteousness. When you have values, you follow it because it does good to you. You don’t have values because you feel ‘good’ and ‘right’ about it and it’s not because you have to impose your values on others. There is a difference between influencing and imposing, persuading and pressurizing, manipulating and strategizing. Choose you behaviors intelligently, understand your emotions intelligently, manage them intelligently. Intelligence comes into play in realising what behaviors generate the best result in oneself and in others and the focus is always on our behavior and not others.
This fact is most unfortunately missed in many especially in relationships, whether that be between spouses, between employee and boss, between in-laws, between siblings, between parents and children etc. In many there is not even an effort to recognise that there is a certain intelligence in being aware of and managing behavior and emotions in oneself and others.
Sometimes people are crafty, people are wise, people are kind, people are angry, people are dishonest, some are cruel and abusive. The first fact to recognise is that the same people are good at different times and with different people. Depending on what is meant for us, we encounter cruelty, abuse, beauty, love, respect, disrespect. When we come across difficult people our emotional intelligence is tested to its heights, and difficult people are not our tormentors but our teachers, they are our opportunities to hone our qualities and emotional intelligence to finer and finer levels and enhance our inner beauty.
Difficult behavior in others are the ones who challenge, stretch and sculpt us. It’s for us to decide how we would like to turn out. It’s hard yes, but as long as we are learning, we are sculpting our inner beauty. In fact there are no ‘difficult people’. .. there is no definition or judgement of people…only reflections of ourselves in what we encounter. What we encounter is simply a reflection of what needs to be done within our own selves.People’s behavior will not seem difficult to us, if there is some finer tuning needed with ourselves in perceiving and responding to that behavior. It’s a fact that the difficulty is not out there, but right within us.
This is not to deny that people are not cruel or abusive or deceiving. It’s just that the focus in how difficult that behavior seems to us. Easing that difficulty within our own selves, will ease out the way we respond to such behavior as well as influencing other people’s behavior. Maintaining a healthy distance enough to see the whole difficulty with an attitude of love and learning and deciding to do or NOT do things, is what turns out to be most intelligent indeed.
There are no victims in this world…. when seen deeply. The abused attracts abusers, abusers attract the ones who unconsciously want to be abused. Teachers attract the one who is willing to learn, learners attract the ones who are willing to teach.